Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Making Myself Fit

How do I make space in her space? How do I enter into this life, full and complex, cluttered and well stocked, without imposing? Without nudging out? Devaluing, or implying...where do I fit in this small space? My greedy too much self, with my gadgets and spatulas, plates and serving dishes, shoes, purses, hats, saddles, bridles, boxes, baggage, stuff. Her life was full before me, who am I to decree it needs me in it? Or my stuff at least. Oh to be loosed from these things, this weighty heavy trappings of another life. But my things are beautiful, valuable, utterly me. Do I presume? Make me fit? Move over here I come. Are you ready? Am I too much? She says there is a lot of me, a 4 bedroom house's worth, master suite's worth, princess that I am, walk in closet, roman tub, kitchen island me. But is that me? I long for simple pleasures, clean surfaces, minimal belongings, just what I need, not what I want. Why so much shame? Fear of being all that I am? A lot of "this" she said waving her hand over me, a gesture to describe the size of my being-ness...am I so much? Have I always been too much? And why is it wrong? TO be voracious for life, desiring so much, engorged on the senses, am I sensual beyond decency? am I really that? the fire horse, the un-marriable, unlucky, should be drowned at birth, hinoeuma, nothing in moderation, passionate and intense, unwavering in loyalty, fire in my belly. Why do I feel like too much? I do not want to "smallify"myself, minimize my life, shrink my soul into a tidy neat package. I am bone and sinew, spit and tears, laughter and ecstasy. How can I minimize me now? that I have found my wellspring of love? I want to drink it all in, swallow her entirely, drown myself in her eyes, there is so much to be seen, felt, tasted, before I even leave the bed..and the world with her by my side? Bliss, elation, rapture... How can she fit so well? How can she be my match so perfectly? How can I be myself in this? and make myself fit? I will not compromise, I will not lie, I will not change - evolve yes - but not change - for this love is truth, it is not fabrication, and I will not bend to make it so. If I am to be loved as I am, fully in my being-ness, all of it that is too much, I must not make myself fit. I must bring myself along and allow the space to open for me. Unfold, like rose petals in the dewy morning, I will shed the skin of old, but I will bring me with me. For this is who I am, and this is who she loves. And oh how she loves. Tender/violent/taking/giving/gently - kindness I have never known, tenderness I have never seen, passion that I can taste in her mouth, kisses like rushing rivers, sex like floating clouds over the eye of the storm, calm and portentous, empowered emboldened and utterly reckless, dissolving the lines between us, flesh into one, inside her, the universe opens up to me, I see no ending and no beginning, no time, no space, just lust, passion, love, eternity, seeking in her eyes, tasting in her mouth, I have drunk her nectar and tasted my love's sweet sticky sex. Crawl inside her, live in her mind, her heart, her soul. Melt into her body, caress her skin. Her love is like no other I have known. Where does it come from? What Angel's breath did she exhale into my life? How did I find it? What path did I choose that began this long and arduous journey to her? And ardent it was, defined and motivated entirely by love...Oh the inkling was so utterly inadequate, my hope entirely too small. She is vast, limitless, unending, sacred. There is more to her than I will discover in 100 lifetimes. So I will make myself fit by being utterly myself and letting her make space in her heart for me. the rooms of my heart are empty, waiting for her to dance into them and fill them with my new life, her amazing love, there is plenty of space for that, and that will always fit.

The Edge of Me

Slipped from my skin my soul has no edge
ageless timeless colorless
animated vapor heart beat and breath

the laundry needs doing
the mail should be brought in
the trash taken out

but here I am

alone in your house
your scent everywhere
I awoke on your side of the bed
where are you?
where am I?

Lost in you
torn into pieces
put back together
a new whole
much more than the sum

searching your eyes for the answer that cannot come
from anywhere but my own heart
you have reached the edge of me
there is nothing beneath
nothing above me

I asked the question "how can I give myself to you"
how can I open my heart to you
and float into this life
each breath brings me there

I seek no more
I fall into the embrace of this life
allow the angel to wrap me in his warmest coat
and surrender it all
to you

Monday, July 12, 2010

Quietly softly beats my heart
Silent words pass over me
Hovering like falling snow
Gentle love

No movement 
no stirring 
Breath like slow fog slips out of me
Softness envelops me
cashmere against naked skin

longing abates and I find 
tenderness and love
Passion beyond words

Two halves of one soul met
Slid into each other 
without effort

Friday, July 9, 2010


Are you there my love
Are you stepping into my mind?
Reading my words?
Musing and dreaming along with me?

By the time you read this we will be one

I watched the country slide beneath me
On my journey west to you
Each mile a kiss
Each moment bringing me home

Right now I am sleeping in your bed
It is late
We made love
And you are seeking me out here
And I am waiting
To give it all to you

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Quick slow quick
Inhale wait
Catch my breath
Shallow shallow breath
Skin like lightening
Sticky wet
Lips parted
Eyes darting
Cannot breathe
Cannot see
Feeling nothing
Feeling everything
Let me occupy this space
The tiny infinite space between us
Before our lips touch
Light years of space
Mere moments
All Eternity

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Another night of ire

How many nights full of contempt?
Laden with unspoken hatred
Layered with anger
Bathing in resentment
Desires unspoken yet expected
Feelings untold yet demanded

Crush my heart smash my soul
Fill the room with your
Thick burning seething
Blame shame ire
I am exhausted by your dissapointment
Slain by your chagrin
I tried to be all things to you
Bent myself into an unrecognizable me
I was never enough to fill up your black hole of longing
Never enough to cover your shoulders of shame
I thought my love would be enough
I was wrong
Hatefully contemptibly wrong

The Summers Day - Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Langston Hughes

I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Whatever will it feel like
Good Bye
After all this time, all this space and time,
that has passed between us,
around us, through us
linked us, joined us,
woven our lives into one life,
A quarter of my life has you in it.
A quarter of my experiences were shared,
however will I recall those days without recalling you?

Will every RV park make me laugh?
Will every nail file? Jumper cable?
Will your pet names haunt me?
Places tease me?

The space you occupied in my heart will lie vacant, fallow
unwatered, untended and unseen
I will not shut the door on it, but I will not visit there
I will not linger, or rue, or even regret
You will not be replaced, but you will not remain

Will the words catch in my throat?
Will I want to take them back, forget the past infractions?
Dive headfirst back into the deception?
One more time, one more try, one more promise to be broken, again and again?
Oh so easy, to die that death
Relinquish my "wild & precious life"
Give in, give up, forget

I have had a taste of the divine
I have seen life through new eyes
I have fallen in love with the one person you never could
And she is leaving you
with Good Bye

The Waiting

Transported distant fleeting
miles of time to overcome
vast wide space
forever illusive
and elusive
I am here wish to be there
I am now wish to be then
The ebb then flow
I thank G-d for sleep 8 hours gone in a flash
only then to have time falter and draw out in front of me
the last 4 miles of my heart's marathon

too see one's future
to hope beyond hope

I am 6 the night before my birthday and the presents are hidden in the house
I know they are here
I can guess at what they are
I chose them after all
If I find them I can peel back the wrapping
reveal the gift beneath
But until I tear the paper
expose them entirely
they are not really mine
she is not really mine
she is a dream of what will be
a tenuous arrival at the doorstep of a life of hoping
an unexpectedly soft landing after a long jump
heavy with desire, layered with wanting
covered in a thin veil of mystery
a promise I will keep

So tonight I live in the pause
pinching myself awake at each musing
can this be real?
4 decades of my girlish reverie
now just out of reach

Waiting for my future
Waiting for time
Waiting for you

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Mrs. Smith

I know you do not think you are a hero
that you didn't do a brave thing
but into my life, donned with a cape
you flew in and rescued me
Sun in My Belly on Day One
offerings of love and friendship
I was a blank slate, an unknown quantity
and our eyes met and we were friends
and I knew it
I felt it
And those ice blue eyes shine at me
you kiss my mouth hello
you trust me with your children, all three of them
you hold my hand while I sob
you walk with grace beside me
and catch me as I stumble
shared laughs, movies, gardening equipment
walks, talks, hours and hours of asana
from green smelly clouds to made up meals
licking your plate clean and asking for more dessert please
loving my friends
offering your home
offering your heart
bitching, bemoaning, groaning,
"there better be a baby" still kills me
Who knew I had to move here to find you?
Minnesota's finest
I love you Mrs. Smith

The Last Time

We never know when it will be the last time
life changes midstream eddies and we are thrown
headlong from our plan into the water of chance

We never know when it will be the last time
the last time we will hear our mother's voice
before silenced forever

the last time we will kiss someone
before their love walks out the door

the last time we will see a street
a beach, a city, a park

the last time we will sleep alone
or cry in the dark

but I know this is the last time
because it is now the first time

the first time I can see my future
the first time I can open my eyes
the first time I can hold out my palms, upturned, and feel safe
the first time I have ever felt this way
the first time I have known with absolute certainty

that you have loved me for the last time
that you have hurt me for the last time
that you have had me for the last time
and that I am no longer yours

I am mine
For the first time