Thursday, April 7, 2011

Being Seen, again

As I was leaving class today I checked my voicemail. C had called and halfway through her message she interupted herself, saying, "oh you must be taking your anatomy test right now". Such a small thing, but such a huge thing. That someone was paying attention. This relationship was born out of visibility, paying attention. It is nice to be reminded that she is out there, noticing.

Finally spring break is here. My brain is so fried from studying and worrying about studying (which is more taxing I can't guess) that I can hardly think straight. This thing I do, this ideal I establish for myself, it is starting to become tedious. Have I forgotten that I am human? Fallible? Flesh and name that bone? can I really be worrying about what my father, who lives in the southern hemisphere and never calls, really never calls, is going to think if I get a B in anatomy? What does it mean about me? After a lifetime of being told how special I am, how talented and smart, I am face to face with having to work for my grade. And worrying about it. What if I fail them? What if I fail myself?

And then my love, she tells me she never expected that of me. That she never asked that of me. That I did all this just for my own private pressure cooker.

Learning to allow myself is hard. Allow myself to enjoy, to be messy, to allow the unfettered madness of real life to spill over into my well ordered finally draw outside the lines. And to know that the lowest grade will be dropped.

And now for a few days of nothingness.