For as long as I can remember, I have been living an invisible life
doing all that I can to remain unnoticed,
unremarkable and unseen.
Never shining, never garnering laurels,
I worked, ascended, but only so high.
I made acquaintances of my friends,
settled for much less.
Quietly my soul shrank into a shadow life,
an occasional glimpse of the divine, fleeting, transitory, meaningless.
Of course the irony was that all the while I was hiding,
I was in plain sight, obvious, evident, visible to all those that chose to look.
And when I came to my senses,
and my heart pushed open,
through the fortress of my chest,
when the door to my soul opened,
and a beam of light shone in,
the face I saw through the crack was yours.
And then I realized, you had always known, always seen,
and when what you saw was me, you hadn't looked away,
but instead, quite remarkably, unexpectedly,
you smiled, a soft and knowing smile, as if to say
"there you are...I've been waiting for you".
To be seen, to be known, to be loved,
the thing I ran from so fast, so far,
buried myself under,
it was there,
all the while,
all my effort was mere charade,
a child in a monster suit, a puff of smoke, a spirit in the night,
I fooled no one but myself.
And what now?
Here I am, laid bare, with my wet stain heart thumping its new rhythm,
unstable on my new legs,
blinded with my new eyes,
a hatchling, scrubbed clean, naked.
To you I may be just one more girl with adoring eyes,
but to me, you are an elixir,
the new air I breathe, the dewdrop on the grass,
the pause between lightening and thunder,
the face of G-d.
I want to drink you in,
pour you over me, glide naked in you,
submerge myself in your grace.
I want to possess you, and have you possess all of me.
It is but mere fantasy, a crush, a new, first love.
For what I see is not in fact you, it is me, mirrored in you.
Your compassion is my compassion, your tenderness is my tenderness,
your love but a reflection of mine.
You have seen me and my soul has found its home.
And now that I have found you, my soul friend,
my anam cara,
how I miss you, long for you.
So far away from me.
So illusive. So out of reach.
Are you as terrified as I am?
that I just might see you too?
I see you too.
And she is beautiful.