December 20 - Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I ended a 14 year relationship, moved across country, gave up almost all my belongings, my house, half my retirement money, my two dogs and two cats, and most of my "identity" because I could no longer live without love and kindness in my life.   I gave up on scared, worried, busy and unsure, they were lonely companions.   I chose to fill my cup anew, I chose to see life a new way.  I chose to live without fear.  It frightens the hell out of me every day.

December 19 - Healing

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

Hands down I can say three things - meditation, yoga and running…it was both sudden and drip by drip, coming on all at once, but having been built up slowly. 2011 will only be a success if I continue my practice of all three of these integral parts of my spiritual practice.

December 18 - Try

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it?

All I ever wanted to do was go fox hunting. The idea of galloping over green hill and dale listening to the hounds, the scenery, the horses, the hunt attire, the deeply steeped tradition - all of it so appealed to me. It is so contradictory to my belief system - a vegetarian pacifist, not a murdering elitist - but it runs so deep in my blood that I can only call it genetic. When I had the chance I didn't wait long enough to say "no". When I packed up my tack and coat and stock tie and drove, knees knocking, to the stranger who had invited me through mutual Facebook friends, I was full of trepidation - I hadn't ridden in months, I didn't know the horse, the weather was foreboding, the footing slop, the hunt one of the fastest in the southeast, if not the country, notorious for their long hard gallops and Tally Ho's late in the waning evening. But I piled into the car with two other ladies and two dogs and made the two hour drive to Thompson Georgia for what promised to be the single most exhilarating day of my life.

Renee had two well seasoned hunters, who would ride in hill-toppers happily, and checked easily for the novice that I was, but she did not have a second jumping saddle, so I had to ride, stirrups rolled up to my knees, in my very deep seated dressage saddle. She promised we wouldn't have to jump - much...

Three hours later, no coyote spotted, we headed in, our horses steaming, and my heart pounding in my throat. I had not come off, I had not embarassed myself or my host, I had, in fact, shown myself well, and my legs had done their job. All the thousands of hours spent in the tack had paid off and I was the owner of a new and wonderful story.

So in 2011 I will endeavor to say "Yes" when asked "Would you like to _______?". You never know where you will end up!

December 17 - Lesson learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I have a hard time in the grey area. I prefer the black or the white, the good guy or the bad guy. I don’t understand contradiction, complexity or ambiguity. I love to quote Walt Whitman but do I embrace the true meaning?

Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

I cannot give way when my strict rules are bent, I cannot accept that people may be both black and white, light and dark, yogis and car wreckers. It is hard to live in this complicated world when I want things to be simple. It is hard to allow others to be as they are when I portray them in iconic roles, square them into round holes, peg them as simple, when in fact they are not. No one is simple, no issue is black or white, the world is not flat, and we are both.

How will I apply this going forward? Ah this is a hard one…a core issue for me, to see that there are 1000 ways to skin this cat, 1000 ways to say snow, and my childish mind prefers the sheriff to gallop into town and make things right with a brandish of his pistol. I will lean into the confusion, stand quietly in the maelstrom, listen for my one true voice, and make room for myself and others.

December 16 - Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

An acquaintance, then a friend, then my anam cara - my soul's friend, and now, my love. In a mere 4 sublime and lovely, languid days, she was transformed from one the the next and then I fell, hopelessly, bottomlessly, in love. Without tether, without tanks, submerged at once, into the ether of her. I leaned into her, like a ripe blooming rose, drank in her heady scent, inhaled every last aroma, and am now, like Alice before me, fallen down the rabbit hole. She was everything I never knew I always wanted. And I see the world with new eyes, feel my life with a new heart.

December 15 - 5 minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010

Not in chronological order:

Laying in the hammock with Stella, the hug from Molly at the airport, every minute of our drive across country, my first kiss with C, the bondage exam at the airport, meeting Jewel, snow snow snow, the dogs at the dog park, digging digging digging, yoga and lots of it, getting 100 on my poli sci test, making love for the first time in my life, waking up with my love every morning, coffee and Pema, my first race, my first 5k, my first 10k, getting into size 6 jeans for the first time! Weighing 132 pounds for the first time in 100 years, running running running, Sunday meditation at shambala Atlanta, with and without C distracting me, the beautiful spring in Atlanta, and how much I loved it there, top down, kcrw, yoga, santa monica when I moved back to cali, the ocean, the goose chase, josie, bailey, bess, Chattahoochee river, carter center, love everywhere, crossing the finish, Rolex, Ginny & Hawley, waving the flag for a friend, sitting in vip, driving to Kentucky! Driving to Alabama! Loving the south east. Watching the Great Zenyatta win #18 in style, fox hunting for the first time, red dirt, azaleas, northern cardinals, run club, tofu tacos in Oakhurst.

Oh and fireflies!

This year has been one of giving up and gaining. I have lost much but gained much more. I achieved little on paper, but my soul has grown immeasurably.