Wednesday, November 10, 2010
So here I am, again. Yes. Again. On the floor. Forgotten it all over again. Where have I been these last 100 days? Making love, making bread, making the bed. Busy getting busy. Busy having my way and calling it something else. How easily it slips away. How easily I can fall right back into the abyss. The blind spot. The pink cloud of desire has wiped my brain clean. Well, only partially clean. Like cleaning the 10 foot high windows on our old house in San Francisco, no matter how many times you spray, smudges remain. I have smudges on the brain. Smudges of compassion, smudges of hope, smudges that remind me where I came from, where I have been, the miles I have walked, run, crawled to get out of that mire, and find myself here, in some sort of hazy mindfulness. But mindful I am, even if all I am aware of is my own lack of awareness. So easy to be caught up in this new life, this new love, to walk so tall and proud of what I have done, what I have made, like some demigod I prance, chest, breast held high, puffed and ready to be adored. Arrogance is a sneaky bastard. Lies down with you at night and wakes you in the morning like he has always been there. Today, however, he is banished. And I will peer through my smudges and attempt to regain my poise. I will try once again to walk with my head held not so high, but high enough to see the truth.