Friday, December 18, 2009

The Pause

I have always considered myself a flexible, spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment type of gal. Able to shift mid-stream, change direction, find a new path. But I have been lying to myself. When I encounter traffic, I don't turn right and find a new route, I plod forward, red lights my only view. When I have a day planned I stick to it, regardless of what life throws at me, and often to my detriment, no I can't go to your opening, party, shin-dig whats-it because I have to fill in the blank. The last three months have been a test of the emergency flexibility system. I had plans, a vision, an actual timeline, that involved schedules and money and quitting my job, and planning a move and and and it all went to shit, and then went to shit again. It happened again this week, when my contractor pushed the job yet another three days. I had a moving van scheduled and now I don't. I had the gas company coming to my new house, in Georgia, and now I don't, I have the cable guy, the mail being forwarded, all of it now in some other schedule, some other arrangement, not to my liking or making. I have had to shift, alter, stray from my well planned course. I am not flexible. I am as rigid as concrete on a winter's day! And for what? Why am so invested in my way? What have I to fear? This cannot be summarized here. But I know I will change. My goal has been to move across country with grace. Being generous in the face of frustration, being kind when confronted with anger, and being patient when things don't go my way, this is my aim. I will get there, literally and figuratively, if I worry or not. I will get there if I hurry too, but I might miss the scenery. I will get back to you on this.

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