Making Myself Fit

How do I make space in her space? How do I enter into this life, full and complex, cluttered and well stocked, without imposing? Without nudging out? Devaluing, or implying...where do I fit in this small space? My greedy too much self, with my gadgets and spatulas, plates and serving dishes, shoes, purses, hats, saddles, bridles, boxes, baggage, stuff. Her life was full before me, who am I to decree it needs me in it? Or my stuff at least. Oh to be loosed from these things, this weighty heavy trappings of another life. But my things are beautiful, valuable, utterly me. Do I presume? Make me fit? Move over here I come. Are you ready? Am I too much? She says there is a lot of me, a 4 bedroom house's worth, master suite's worth, princess that I am, walk in closet, roman tub, kitchen island me. But is that me? I long for simple pleasures, clean surfaces, minimal belongings, just what I need, not what I want. Why so much shame? Fear of being all that I am? A lot of "this" she said waving her hand over me, a gesture to describe the size of my being-ness...am I so much? Have I always been too much? And why is it wrong? TO be voracious for life, desiring so much, engorged on the senses, am I sensual beyond decency? am I really that? the fire horse, the un-marriable, unlucky, should be drowned at birth, hinoeuma, nothing in moderation, passionate and intense, unwavering in loyalty, fire in my belly. Why do I feel like too much? I do not want to "smallify"myself, minimize my life, shrink my soul into a tidy neat package. I am bone and sinew, spit and tears, laughter and ecstasy. How can I minimize me now? that I have found my wellspring of love? I want to drink it all in, swallow her entirely, drown myself in her eyes, there is so much to be seen, felt, tasted, before I even leave the bed..and the world with her by my side? Bliss, elation, rapture... How can she fit so well? How can she be my match so perfectly? How can I be myself in this? and make myself fit? I will not compromise, I will not lie, I will not change - evolve yes - but not change - for this love is truth, it is not fabrication, and I will not bend to make it so. If I am to be loved as I am, fully in my being-ness, all of it that is too much, I must not make myself fit. I must bring myself along and allow the space to open for me. Unfold, like rose petals in the dewy morning, I will shed the skin of old, but I will bring me with me. For this is who I am, and this is who she loves. And oh how she loves. Tender/violent/taking/giving/gently - kindness I have never known, tenderness I have never seen, passion that I can taste in her mouth, kisses like rushing rivers, sex like floating clouds over the eye of the storm, calm and portentous, empowered emboldened and utterly reckless, dissolving the lines between us, flesh into one, inside her, the universe opens up to me, I see no ending and no beginning, no time, no space, just lust, passion, love, eternity, seeking in her eyes, tasting in her mouth, I have drunk her nectar and tasted my love's sweet sticky sex. Crawl inside her, live in her mind, her heart, her soul. Melt into her body, caress her skin. Her love is like no other I have known. Where does it come from? What Angel's breath did she exhale into my life? How did I find it? What path did I choose that began this long and arduous journey to her? And ardent it was, defined and motivated entirely by love...Oh the inkling was so utterly inadequate, my hope entirely too small. She is vast, limitless, unending, sacred. There is more to her than I will discover in 100 lifetimes. So I will make myself fit by being utterly myself and letting her make space in her heart for me. the rooms of my heart are empty, waiting for her to dance into them and fill them with my new life, her amazing love, there is plenty of space for that, and that will always fit.

The Edge of Me

Slipped from my skin my soul has no edge
ageless timeless colorless
animated vapor heart beat and breath

the laundry needs doing
the mail should be brought in
the trash taken out

but here I am

alone in your house
your scent everywhere
I awoke on your side of the bed
where are you?
where am I?

Lost in you
torn into pieces
put back together
a new whole
much more than the sum

searching your eyes for the answer that cannot come
from anywhere but my own heart
you have reached the edge of me
there is nothing beneath
nothing above me

I asked the question "how can I give myself to you"
how can I open my heart to you
and float into this life
each breath brings me there

I seek no more
I fall into the embrace of this life
allow the angel to wrap me in his warmest coat
and surrender it all
to you

Quietly softly beats my heart
Silent words pass over me
Hovering like falling snow
Gentle love

No movement 
no stirring 
Breath like slow fog slips out of me
Softness envelops me
cashmere against naked skin

longing abates and I find 
tenderness and love
Passion beyond words

Two halves of one soul met
Slid into each other 
without effort
Connected
Joined
One

Finally

Are you there my love
Are you stepping into my mind?
Reading my words?
Musing and dreaming along with me?

By the time you read this we will be one
Entwined

I watched the country slide beneath me
On my journey west to you
Each mile a kiss
Each moment bringing me home

Right now I am sleeping in your bed
It is late
We made love
And you are seeking me out here
And I am waiting
To give it all to you

Pulse
Sweat
Quick slow quick
Inhale wait
Catch my breath
Shallow shallow breath
Skin like lightening
Sticky wet
Quivering
Lips parted
Eyes darting
Wild
Stop
Wait
Wanting
Longing
Cannot breathe
Cannot see
Feeling nothing
Feeling everything
Pause
Let me occupy this space
The tiny infinite space between us
Before our lips touch
Light years of space
Mere moments
All Eternity

Another night of ire

How many nights full of contempt?
Laden with unspoken hatred
Layered with anger
Bathing in resentment
Desires unspoken yet expected
Feelings untold yet demanded

Crush my heart smash my soul
Fill the room with your
Thick burning seething
Blame shame ire
I am exhausted by your dissapointment
Slain by your chagrin
Disenchanting
I tried to be all things to you
Bent myself into an unrecognizable me
I was never enough to fill up your black hole of longing
Never enough to cover your shoulders of shame
I thought my love would be enough
I was wrong
Hatefully contemptibly wrong

The Summers Day - Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Langston Hughes

I've known rivers:
I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln
went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy
bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

Whatever will it feel like

Good Bye

After all this time, all this space and time,

that has passed between us,

around us, through us

linked us, joined us,

woven our lives into one life,

A quarter of my life has you in it.

A quarter of my experiences were shared,

however will I recall those days without recalling you?

Will every RV park make me laugh?

Will every nail file? Jumper cable?

Will your pet names haunt me?

Places tease me?

The space you occupied in my heart will lie vacant, fallow

unwatered, untended and unseen

I will not shut the door on it, but I will not visit there

I will not linger, or rue, or even regret

You will not be replaced, but you will not remain

Will the words catch in my throat?

Will I want to take them back, forget the past infractions?

Dive headfirst back into the deception?

One more time, one more try, one more promise to be broken, again and again?

Oh so easy, to die that death

Relinquish my "wild & precious life"

Give in, give up, forget

I have had a taste of the divine

I have seen life through new eyes

I have fallen in love with the one person you never could

And she is leaving you

with Good Bye

The Waiting

Transported distant fleeting

miles of time to overcome

elsewhere

vast wide space

forever illusive

and elusive

I am here wish to be there

I am now wish to be then

The ebb then flow

I thank G-d for sleep 8 hours gone in a flash

only then to have time falter and draw out in front of me

the last 4 miles of my heart's marathon

too see one's future

to hope beyond hope

I am 6 the night before my birthday and the presents are hidden in the house

I know they are here

I can guess at what they are

I chose them after all

If I find them I can peel back the wrapping

reveal the gift beneath

But until I tear the paper

expose them entirely

they are not really mine

she is not really mine

she is a dream of what will be

a tenuous arrival at the doorstep of a life of hoping

an unexpectedly soft landing after a long jump

heavy with desire, layered with wanting

covered in a thin veil of mystery

a promise I will keep

So tonight I live in the pause

wondering

hoping

dreaming

pinching myself awake at each musing

can this be real?

4 decades of my girlish reverie

now just out of reach

Waiting for my future

Waiting for time

Waiting for you

Mrs. Smith

I know you do not think you are a hero

that you didn't do a brave thing

but into my life, donned with a cape

you flew in and rescued me

Sun in My Belly on Day One

offerings of love and friendship

I was a blank slate, an unknown quantity

and our eyes met and we were friends

and I knew it

I felt it

And those ice blue eyes shine at me

you kiss my mouth hello

you trust me with your children, all three of them

you hold my hand while I sob

you walk with grace beside me

and catch me as I stumble

shared laughs, movies, gardening equipment

walks, talks, hours and hours of asana

from green smelly clouds to made up meals

licking your plate clean and asking for more dessert please

loving my friends

offering your home

offering your heart

bitching, bemoaning, groaning,

"there better be a baby" still kills me

Who knew I had to move here to find you?

Minnesota's finest

I love you Mrs. Smith

The Last Time

We never know when it will be the last time

life changes midstream eddies and we are thrown

headlong from our plan into the water of chance

We never know when it will be the last time

the last time we will hear our mother's voice

before silenced forever

the last time we will kiss someone

before their love walks out the door

the last time we will see a street

a beach, a city, a park

the last time we will sleep alone

or cry in the dark

but I know this is the last time

because it is now the first time

the first time I can see my future

the first time I can open my eyes

the first time I can hold out my palms, upturned, and feel safe

the first time I have ever felt this way

the first time I have known with absolute certainty

that you have loved me for the last time

that you have hurt me for the last time

that you have had me for the last time

and that I am no longer yours

I am mine

For the first time